I turned forty this year. I still don't have the urge to go out a buy a convertible sports car, get a tattoo, or sell everything and travel to Spain, so I guess I'm not officially in my "mid-life crisis" yet. I don't feel old. In fact it's been a year of renewal and repair for me. And I guess I'd like to explain that.
Some of you who actually read this know me personally. Some of you knew me a long time ago, but haven't seen me for awhile. Others, I'm assuming, don't know me from Adam, but are accidentally reading this. Anyway, here's the story of my year so far, mostly regarding my physical health.
First off, I want to establish the fact that I'm not an athlete, nor have I ever been one. I played no sports in school. None. Ever. I was more interested in getting home and heading out into the woods near our house and splashing down the creek bed with my best friend. I started working a "real" job at age fifteen, and I think I worked pretty hard. For the most part, I've worked physically hard at most everything I've done. But I've also had this appetite my whole adult life that seemed to be a force bent on destroying me physically. When I combined 20+ years of being really physical (not athletic or healthy) with 20+ years of eating all my favorite comfort foods (pizza, pasta, chips, etc.) I found myself in the worst physical shape of my life at the end of last year. There have been other conditions that may have contributed to my condition then, like arthritis, but for the most part it was the result of two decades of filling myself with enormous amounts of very unhealthy foods and drinks, along with smashing my body into everything in front of me just to prove that even though I was very overweight, I was strong.
The arthritis over the winter left me feeling unable to do anything physically. You can read my very first post "My Long Winter's Nap" to get an idea of where I was at that time. I had all the excuses I needed to just continue to become Earth's version of Jabba the Hut from Star Wars. But God awakened me just enough to start looking for relief from the arthritis. The medicine is out there, but it's very, very expensive. Guess what? My insurance company covered it, minus a thirty dollar copay. Eight thousand dollars every 6 weeks, and they covered it. The results were almost immediate. Relief from the pain came almost immediately. I rode that wave for several months, feeling pretty good about myself. But the weight gain continued. I still ate and drank everything I wanted, whenever I wanted. I'd ask my wife if my weight bothered her. She was always kind enough to say "no". So I'd tell myself that I was o.k. even though I had to hold my breath to bend over and tie my shoes in the morning. Naturally, I started outgrowing clothes. At that time (April-May 2009) I was pushing 270 lbs. I'm 5'9" tall. When I went to our local box store to buy some clothes, I found I had then moved into the "extended sizes" and was going to have to start paying an extra $2-$5 for each article of clothing. There was a reckoning that day. I bought a couple of shirts and pairs of pants that fit, but vowed to try to change.
I think that's the point where I normally started losing the battle. I'm assuming that many folks out there know what I mean. There's some short-term resolve that comes when you're in that condition, but it's normally very short-term. And it's immediately followed by a sense of failure and a loss of self respect. I saw friends at church and work that were enrolled in a weight loss program at our local hospital and were losing weight rapidly, were exercising and really having fun. I wanted that. But when I inquired about the cost, I immediately discounted that as a possibility. So I continued to wonder how I could possibly fix it. In May of this year, my blood sugar was high enough that I was begging my doctor not to label me diabetic...."just mark me 'glucose intolerant' or whatever. I can fix this, I just need time". My blood pressure was up to 145/90, and my doctor was also talking about medication for that. I was already on cholesterol medication, triglyceride medication, and anti-depressants. Can any of you relate?
Then came my God moment.
Near the end of May, I was really losing the battle. The arthritis was no longer limiting me, but I was limiting me. Again, for a snapshot of where I was emotionally at that time, see my post "It's In There". So I prayed. That's a pretty novel idea, huh? I realized something as I tried to ask God for help regarding my physical condition. For a very long time I've known that I can give things up to God and He helps. I've seen it happen. I'm very comfortable with that arrangement. I'm also very aware of my limitations as His child, a created being. But it occurred to me very vividly that day that my physical being...my body...my health...was something that I had never considered giving Him control of. I guess in my mind, I was to be the steward of my body. To go to Him and admit that I ruined what He gave me to care for was something I had been unwilling to do.
So that was my prayer. "Father, I've ruined this machine you built for me. I thought that I knew better than you how to take care of it. I've readily given you control all the things in my life that weren't right, except this. I realize now that you created this body, so no one but you would know how to keep it working. Please show me how I can restore this body physically to a point that pleases You, not others, and is a testament to your love for me." It was mere days after that prayer that everything started to change.
I'll end Part I here just so none of you fall asleep. You can click here to read Part II.
Peace,
Mike
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