“The life of less, one bent on simplicity, and not needing or wanting anything other than what God has deemed good for you turns out to be all you could ever need or want.”
― Hayley and Michael DiMarco
How many times in your life have you found that something you really want is not something you need at all? How often do you pass on something you really need because you don't want it? I find that most often, my wants rarely reflect my needs, and that holds true in almost every aspect of my life.
Food: I want foods that have little or no nutritional value, even though I know they're not good for me. And when I get them, I can convince myself that they're satisfying a need. But in reality, our bodies fool us into things like that, and a vicious cycle begins with that act. When I supply my body with what it needs, I find that I really don't want much of anything. But often what my body needs is nothing close to what I think I want. Food is a need, but we don't need all types of food. Here's another example... When I'm thirsty, I want a soda or a beer or something like that. But what my body needs is water. So in consuming what I want, I'm not truly satisfying a need, and normally I'm left still wanting more. And often times what I want will do more harm to me than good.
Possessions: Of course I want nice things. Of course I wish that money were no object, and I could purchase the things I'd like to have. But all too often, those things that I want are things that I don't need in any way, shape, or form. Surprisingly, however, even though I have all that I truly need, I fool myself into thinking that there is still something missing. And from that, once again, develops behavior that is not only unnecessary, it's often damaging, and I have the debt to prove it.
Provision: How many among us desire a different job, then get it, and still find it unfulfilling? We dream of something better.. "If I could only get a job doing....., I'd be happy". But even when people get what they want, if it doesn't fulfill a need, it can feel quite empty and leave them still searching for "just the right thing".
Love & Affection: Such a big thing this is. We all, at some time or another, find ourselves wanting specific things from our relationships - friendships, work relationships, romantic love, or family. But how do you identify what you need from those relationships? Love, affection, sex, friendship, trust, and camaraderie are based so fundamentally on emotion and chemistry that it's very hard sometimes to know what we really need. And unlike our basic physical needs, I feel that what we need emotionally varies dramatically from one person to the next, so there is no real template for those needs like there is for nutrition and physical health.
So what happens when we spend our time and energy pursuing our wants while neglecting our needs? And is there danger in only addressing our most basic true needs while neglecting the desires of our hearts? It's sad, really, that we view these things in such separate contexts, as if they can't coexist. I've also found that there's an inherent trap, as a believer, in taking lightly God's plan for our lives. Too often I've found myself getting something that I desire and telling myself that since I was able to acquire it, it must be God's will for me to have it. And since it's God's will for me to have it, I must need it. See the problem? When opportunity meets desire, it's very easy to call it divine and embrace it as such, regardless of whether or not it builds us up or ultimately tears us down. And when we get torn down by something we were sure we wanted, it's just as easy to blame God for that since it was, in our minds, His doing. So how do we know? How do we know if we're getting something that's needed... something that is good for us? How do we know we're not simply getting and doing what we want?
When I get what I want but I'm left wanting more, it's pretty safe to say it's something I don't really need, and that's probably the most common occurrence in my life. But occasionally, something or someone comes along and is added to my life that is not only unexpected, but is something I would have never thought I wanted OR needed. And those things I put under great scrutiny and careful consideration, and I shine a bright light on them because I'm suspicious. In the end, sometimes I find out that those things were not as they originally appeared, and ended up truly being something I didn't want or need. But every now and then I find that I'm blessed with someone or something that can truly satisfy a want AND a need that I didn't know I had. How do I know that? How do I know it really is a gift from God? Because it lasts. And it builds me and strengthens me. And it leaves me wanting nothing more.
When you are given a gift that is so completely satisfying that you can't explain to anyone how you feel and you aren't compelled to degrade it by trying, you've likely been given something that meets both a need and a desire. God has given us plenty of examples of this: Grace, forgiveness, peace... all things that we both want and need, whether we realize it or not, and all things that are often times difficult to explain. But don't discount the gifts you receive on an interpersonal level... God works through those things too. And in the acceptance of those gifts is something amazing-these two seemingly separate forces, want and need, can sometimes come together and build us up, give us peace, and help us move toward having the life that God has chosen for us.
Peace,
Mike
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Tuesday, December 25, 2012
Shhhh...
It's quiet. So quiet.
For kicks, I drove through the busiest shopping district in our area a while ago, and it's empty. The small world around me was all but shut down. I managed to avoid the stresses of life leading up to Christmas this year, and as I look around while driving aimlessly this morning, I realize how glad I am for that. It's a gift I have given myself this year, and it has afforded me a peace I likely would have missed.
It's a recurring miracle, Christmas, and while buried under all the clamor of life this time of year, it's come once again whether at our bidding or completely unsolicited. The world was quiet for a few hours after the candles and songs, hugs and well wishes, and completion of those last few chores we imposed on ourselves yesterday. We've received the miracle once again, and as the world wakes up again this morning, it's a different place than it was yesterday whether we see that or not.
I honestly hope that nobody reads this today. I hope you've all chosen to relax, disconnect, and receive personally the gift that God has chosen to give us. Receive it. Internalize it. Drink it in and rejoice in its purity. Hug your children, your siblings, your parents. Sip your coffee and reflect. Stay at the table and enjoy the company of whomever God has placed in your life today. And at some point, give thanks. Give thanks for this miracle of life, salvation, and forgiveness that you've been offered once again.
Merry Christmas, friends. The sun is shining here today, big and bright. Let it wash over you and cleanse your soul. Receive the gift.
For kicks, I drove through the busiest shopping district in our area a while ago, and it's empty. The small world around me was all but shut down. I managed to avoid the stresses of life leading up to Christmas this year, and as I look around while driving aimlessly this morning, I realize how glad I am for that. It's a gift I have given myself this year, and it has afforded me a peace I likely would have missed.
It's a recurring miracle, Christmas, and while buried under all the clamor of life this time of year, it's come once again whether at our bidding or completely unsolicited. The world was quiet for a few hours after the candles and songs, hugs and well wishes, and completion of those last few chores we imposed on ourselves yesterday. We've received the miracle once again, and as the world wakes up again this morning, it's a different place than it was yesterday whether we see that or not.
I honestly hope that nobody reads this today. I hope you've all chosen to relax, disconnect, and receive personally the gift that God has chosen to give us. Receive it. Internalize it. Drink it in and rejoice in its purity. Hug your children, your siblings, your parents. Sip your coffee and reflect. Stay at the table and enjoy the company of whomever God has placed in your life today. And at some point, give thanks. Give thanks for this miracle of life, salvation, and forgiveness that you've been offered once again.
Merry Christmas, friends. The sun is shining here today, big and bright. Let it wash over you and cleanse your soul. Receive the gift.
Friday, December 21, 2012
Stand
As the end of the year approaches, it's easy to look back and feel defeated by the things we failed to accomplish in the last 12 months. Each and every day many of us find ourselves looking back even farther, sometimes to childhood, and reliving past defeats. While it's never a bad thing to reflect on our past as a tool for moving forward, tapping a root in only the pain or mistakes from the past can be utterly destructive. When faced with new opportunities in life we have choices - jump headlong into them with no regard for what we've learned to guide us, joyfully accept them and incorporate them into our current reality, or walk away from them for fear of repeating some failure from our past. Each time we abandon an opportunity to grow and gain happiness, we leave a little piece of ourselves laying on the ground to be trampled by life, and over time that can become the only reality we know... a shallow, fearful, thin reality that reaches no farther than we can see. I've tried to live my adult life without looking back and feeling regret. I've tried to admit to myself, my God, and those around me the mistakes that I've made in an attempt to erase those lingering feelings of guilt. I believe that without personal accountability for our actions and how we behave toward those around us, we will never be able to properly move beyond our past mistakes and use them only as tools for growth instead of landmarks for our lives. There's a tremendous amount of freedom in releasing yourself from the things you've done wrong in your life. And better yet, the God I serve is waiting to take those things from us and help us start to move past them. I find it easy to "give it to God", but what I was reminded of recently is that we have to resist the urge to keep taking it back from Him. Once we free ourselves from the past, we can't keep revisiting it as part of our current reality.
I saw once on a church billboard this message: Shame looks down, guilt looks around, faith looks up... which way are you looking?
I'm adopting a new mantra, and it's based on a poem I recently found:
Start where you stand
Start where you stand and never mind the past,
The past won't help you in beginning new,
If you have left it all behind at last
Why, that's enough, you're done with it, you're through;
This is another chapter in the book,
This is another race that you have planned,
Don't give the vanished days a backward look,
Start where you stand.
The world won't care about your old defeats
If you can start anew and win success,
The future is your time, and time is fleet
And there is much of work and strain and stress;
Forget the buried woes and dead despairs,
Here is a brand new trial right at hand,
The future is for him who does and dares,
Start where you stand.
Old failures will not halt, old triumphs aid,
To-day's the thing, to-morrow soon will be;
Get in the fight and face it unafraid,
And leave the past to ancient history;
What has been, has been; yesterday is dead
And by it you are neither blessed nor banned,
Take courage, man, be brave and drive ahead,
Start where you stand.
I saw once on a church billboard this message: Shame looks down, guilt looks around, faith looks up... which way are you looking?
I'm adopting a new mantra, and it's based on a poem I recently found:
Start where you stand and never mind the past,
The past won't help you in beginning new,
If you have left it all behind at last
Why, that's enough, you're done with it, you're through;
This is another chapter in the book,
This is another race that you have planned,
Don't give the vanished days a backward look,
Start where you stand.
The world won't care about your old defeats
If you can start anew and win success,
The future is your time, and time is fleet
And there is much of work and strain and stress;
Forget the buried woes and dead despairs,
Here is a brand new trial right at hand,
The future is for him who does and dares,
Start where you stand.
Old failures will not halt, old triumphs aid,
To-day's the thing, to-morrow soon will be;
Get in the fight and face it unafraid,
And leave the past to ancient history;
What has been, has been; yesterday is dead
And by it you are neither blessed nor banned,
Take courage, man, be brave and drive ahead,
Start where you stand.
~ By Berton Braley (1882-1966) www.BertonBraley.com
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
Fused
Several years ago, I made the decision to finally have my wisdom teeth pulled. I had never had any problems with them, but they were all buried beneath the gum line, and my dentist had been bugging me for years to get them extracted before I had problems. I'm not really afraid of stuff like that, but it was a hassle and an expense that was easy to put off for a long time. Before the procedure, the oral surgeon listed all the things I needed to know about what he was going to do and what to expect afterwards. I've always had a decent pain threshold, so I wasn't really worried about post-op trauma, but he said he was going to write a prescription for some pretty good pain killers anyway. I was rendered unconscious, and the procedure commenced. When I awoke, he asked how I felt, and since I was still numb from the injections, I told him I felt fine. He proceeded to tell me that I needed to make sure that I filled the prescription, because he was sure I was going to be in tremendous pain because of the way he ended up having to extract the teeth. He explained to me that the top two teeth came out pretty much as expected. But he said that when he started to work on the bottom two, it became obvious that the x-rays had not showed the complete picture of the condition of the lower two teeth. He found that since I had waited so long to have them extracted, the roots of the lower two teeth had fused themselves to my jawbone. A skilled surgeon can handle things like that, but he told me that the risk in breaking them off was that my jawbone could be cracked in the process, creating a much larger problem. Ultimately, he was able to successfully separate them from the bone, and the procedure was completed without additional complications.
I left his office and went immediately to get my pain medicine, fearing the worst when the local anesthesia wore off. A short time later, as the anesthesia wore off, I could feel that the areas affected were tender, but I felt no real pain. I ended up taking only a few Advil for a couple days, and the pain was never an issue.
I have recently recalled that event, and I can see a parallel to how we sometimes handle our feelings. I think sometimes we have negative emotions that we're unable to process when we feel them because they seem either too big or too small to deal with. So we bury those things inside ourselves, and we learn, over time, how to function without any further regard to them. But when those emotions are associated with the deepest parts of us, whether we realize it or not the same thing can happen. Those emotions can become fused to our core. And we continue to live, knowing we need to deal with them, but we can function just fine with them where they are. But a time will come, almost assuredly, when God will move us to extract them. With that can come fear, anxiety, and sometimes anger. God is the ultimate surgeon... the steadiest hand... But sometimes he uses other people to help with those extractions. And that can create even more fear and anxiety. We will second-guess our decision to proceed. After all, things were okay just the way they were. And we worry about the pain that may come afterwards. But God is the ultimate healer. And whether it's by his own hand, or by working through another, those deepest-seated emotions... fears... sorrows... can be carefully removed. With care, they can be separated from our core and extracted. And while there will still likely be pain and tenderness after, often times we find that it's far less severe than we had feared. That healing pain is part of the overall process. That healing pain can remind us of what has been removed, and can remind us that not all things taken away from us have to leave us less whole than what we were. And not all things taken away from us have to be given to someone else to use as playthings. These dark spots are extracted from us and cast away if that's what we allow God to do with them.
Our negative emotions get fused way down inside if we let them. God can extract them, but that's a choice we're all allowed to make in our own time. He's the Ultimate Surgeon, and the Ultimate Healer, and He desperately wants to help and heal us.
Peace,
Mike
I left his office and went immediately to get my pain medicine, fearing the worst when the local anesthesia wore off. A short time later, as the anesthesia wore off, I could feel that the areas affected were tender, but I felt no real pain. I ended up taking only a few Advil for a couple days, and the pain was never an issue.
I have recently recalled that event, and I can see a parallel to how we sometimes handle our feelings. I think sometimes we have negative emotions that we're unable to process when we feel them because they seem either too big or too small to deal with. So we bury those things inside ourselves, and we learn, over time, how to function without any further regard to them. But when those emotions are associated with the deepest parts of us, whether we realize it or not the same thing can happen. Those emotions can become fused to our core. And we continue to live, knowing we need to deal with them, but we can function just fine with them where they are. But a time will come, almost assuredly, when God will move us to extract them. With that can come fear, anxiety, and sometimes anger. God is the ultimate surgeon... the steadiest hand... But sometimes he uses other people to help with those extractions. And that can create even more fear and anxiety. We will second-guess our decision to proceed. After all, things were okay just the way they were. And we worry about the pain that may come afterwards. But God is the ultimate healer. And whether it's by his own hand, or by working through another, those deepest-seated emotions... fears... sorrows... can be carefully removed. With care, they can be separated from our core and extracted. And while there will still likely be pain and tenderness after, often times we find that it's far less severe than we had feared. That healing pain is part of the overall process. That healing pain can remind us of what has been removed, and can remind us that not all things taken away from us have to leave us less whole than what we were. And not all things taken away from us have to be given to someone else to use as playthings. These dark spots are extracted from us and cast away if that's what we allow God to do with them.
Our negative emotions get fused way down inside if we let them. God can extract them, but that's a choice we're all allowed to make in our own time. He's the Ultimate Surgeon, and the Ultimate Healer, and He desperately wants to help and heal us.
Peace,
Mike
Monday, November 12, 2012
Ashamed
I grew up in the United Methodist Church, and even as an adult, I've chosen to remain there for various reasons. I've always liked the openness and the inclusive nature of the Methodist church, and until recently I've never questioned whether or not I belong there. The pastors are never placed in churches permanently, and as a congregant I've always needed to remind myself that even when a really good pastor or pastoral team lands at the church I'm attending, it won't last forever. The same holds true when a pastor or team is appointed that is disappointing to me for whatever reason. I remind myself often that no church should rely solely on the strength of its pastor(s), nor should it die from their weaknesses. I am, however, ashamed of the way some things are being handled these days in my own church, and it's raising some very powerful questions in my heart about denominational loyalty, true discipleship, and accountability among our current pool of pastors.
I think it's deplorable that someone appointed to lead others on their spiritual journey should use manipulation and degradation, fear, and guilt to further their own agenda for the church as a whole or for a specific project. I have witnessed a pastor, who is leading a somewhat controversial project, using mockery and embarrassment to crush the spirits and opinions of those who have voiced concern or dissent over how this "experiment" is being conducted. It effectively sends a message to anyone else who might be opposed to a particular course of action to "keep it to yourself, or this will happen to you, too". This pastor, during a worship service, read to the congregation a few of the more benign opposing remarks for the other parishioners to laugh at. And then he asked the congregation to chant in unison that these are not reasons to not move forward with the project. I sat and listened, and watched, as my brothers and sisters in Christ chanted along as they laughed at the way the opposing opinions were presented. And I almost threw up. None of the really tough questions and concerns about the project were presented to the general congregation for review, only the ones he thought would get a laugh and would be easily dismissed as silly and petty. I'm ashamed. I'm ashamed of the leadership at my church. And before you criticize me for publicly stating my misgivings, know this: I have, in the past, voiced my opinions to our church leaders about my concerns about leadership practices such as these. I was met with the following - "I don't require your acceptance or your agreement with any of the decisions that have been made regarding [this matter]". And it's obvious that now our leaders are attempting to head off any further discussion about disagreement with a threat of public humiliation. If I were the one that had taken any of those concerns to the senior staff at my home church, thinking they were legitimate concerns, and had been humiliated in that way by hearing my fellow congregants laugh at the notion, I don't know that I could ever trust those leaders again with anything that mattered to me. This laughing and chanting behavior is despicable. It's childish. But worst of all, it's subliminal. It's brainwashing people into believing that because the pastor says it's good, it's good. When we all chant together, it sounds like everyone agrees. And it's saying that if you're not in agreement with me/us, then you're against furthering the Kingdom. For Pete's sake... who wants to be against that?
I've expressed my concerns about leadership at my church at the District Supervisor level on more than one occasion. This is not the first time one of our leaders has done something that I thought was very, very wrong. This is not all on one person or regarding one specific topic. But on each occasion, I've been met with the same cold response.... "you should deal with this at local church level". So I've confronted a pastor face-to-face, one-on-one and got nowhere. I've talked with a few others that now feel (and have felt in the past) the same as I do on many of these issues, and to my knowledge, they've all been met with pretty much the same response. I've prayed on this and the other issues that I struggle with at my church. I've tried, not always successfully, to keep from poisoning the opinions of others when I'm not sure if I'm right to feel the way I do. Heck, I've removed myself from all of the leadership roles and ministries I was involved in just to avoid infecting others. Now I feel that all I can do is wait, continue to pray, and remember that the body of the church will always outlast its mortal leaders as strong or as questionable as they may be. And more recently, I've started to wonder if maybe we, the body of the church, aren't supposed to be teaching our leaders some things. When asking God how He could possibly want people in charge of our church that don't seem to care much about what the servants of the church think, I've heard the response "maybe this isn't about YOUR needs as a congregation... maybe I'm trying to teach these leaders something... Maybe I put them in this church because THEY need YOU guys... Maybe I'm trying to remind them of WHY and WHOM they are serving".
Well, for Pete's sake... who wants to be against THAT?
Peace,
Mike
I think it's deplorable that someone appointed to lead others on their spiritual journey should use manipulation and degradation, fear, and guilt to further their own agenda for the church as a whole or for a specific project. I have witnessed a pastor, who is leading a somewhat controversial project, using mockery and embarrassment to crush the spirits and opinions of those who have voiced concern or dissent over how this "experiment" is being conducted. It effectively sends a message to anyone else who might be opposed to a particular course of action to "keep it to yourself, or this will happen to you, too". This pastor, during a worship service, read to the congregation a few of the more benign opposing remarks for the other parishioners to laugh at. And then he asked the congregation to chant in unison that these are not reasons to not move forward with the project. I sat and listened, and watched, as my brothers and sisters in Christ chanted along as they laughed at the way the opposing opinions were presented. And I almost threw up. None of the really tough questions and concerns about the project were presented to the general congregation for review, only the ones he thought would get a laugh and would be easily dismissed as silly and petty. I'm ashamed. I'm ashamed of the leadership at my church. And before you criticize me for publicly stating my misgivings, know this: I have, in the past, voiced my opinions to our church leaders about my concerns about leadership practices such as these. I was met with the following - "I don't require your acceptance or your agreement with any of the decisions that have been made regarding [this matter]". And it's obvious that now our leaders are attempting to head off any further discussion about disagreement with a threat of public humiliation. If I were the one that had taken any of those concerns to the senior staff at my home church, thinking they were legitimate concerns, and had been humiliated in that way by hearing my fellow congregants laugh at the notion, I don't know that I could ever trust those leaders again with anything that mattered to me. This laughing and chanting behavior is despicable. It's childish. But worst of all, it's subliminal. It's brainwashing people into believing that because the pastor says it's good, it's good. When we all chant together, it sounds like everyone agrees. And it's saying that if you're not in agreement with me/us, then you're against furthering the Kingdom. For Pete's sake... who wants to be against that?
I've expressed my concerns about leadership at my church at the District Supervisor level on more than one occasion. This is not the first time one of our leaders has done something that I thought was very, very wrong. This is not all on one person or regarding one specific topic. But on each occasion, I've been met with the same cold response.... "you should deal with this at local church level". So I've confronted a pastor face-to-face, one-on-one and got nowhere. I've talked with a few others that now feel (and have felt in the past) the same as I do on many of these issues, and to my knowledge, they've all been met with pretty much the same response. I've prayed on this and the other issues that I struggle with at my church. I've tried, not always successfully, to keep from poisoning the opinions of others when I'm not sure if I'm right to feel the way I do. Heck, I've removed myself from all of the leadership roles and ministries I was involved in just to avoid infecting others. Now I feel that all I can do is wait, continue to pray, and remember that the body of the church will always outlast its mortal leaders as strong or as questionable as they may be. And more recently, I've started to wonder if maybe we, the body of the church, aren't supposed to be teaching our leaders some things. When asking God how He could possibly want people in charge of our church that don't seem to care much about what the servants of the church think, I've heard the response "maybe this isn't about YOUR needs as a congregation... maybe I'm trying to teach these leaders something... Maybe I put them in this church because THEY need YOU guys... Maybe I'm trying to remind them of WHY and WHOM they are serving".
Well, for Pete's sake... who wants to be against THAT?
Peace,
Mike
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
Notifications
In our digital age, it seems like we are overrun by notifications. Every app on your smartphone, every email software package, and every messaging client sends a constant barrage of notifications that something has happened. Gone are the days when you have to actually wonder if someone has sent you a message, if a friend has posted that they're having coffee, or if it's your turn in Words with Friends. What I'm finding increasingly discouraging, however, is that it is very difficult now to disconnect, and it's even more difficult to focus on a task without the pressure of knowing there are other things that want my attention. I can't help but think, though, that it would be so nice if our messages from God came in the same manner. How cool would it be if you were facing a situation and you were wondering if it was some sort of message from God meant just for your instruction or benefit and a notification would present itself as if to say yes, this is a message from God... pay attention. Long stretches without prayer? Weekends away with no worship? No problem, you didn't miss a thing... you have 2 notifications of God messages that you've missed. Click, click.... got 'em.
As a good friend of mine has said... "Guess what Snowflake, it doesn't work that way". God's messages can be subtle, discreet, sometimes hidden in the turmoil. The real lesson most often comes in the search, not in the discovery. God's messages to us are normally lessons that we have already learned - sometimes what we hoped for, sometimes not, but it was necessary for us to look for them... search for them... desperately seek them... and experience all the things that stand in front of them before we truly understand them. So don't expect a little popup counter to tell you that God has sent you a message. Instead, do the work. See what God needs you to see along the way. Talk to Him. Praise him for what He might do in your life. Thank him for not always giving you what you want... we all know how ugly THAT would be... Wade through the messes that you make to find what God has to teach you. It's like back in our school days: You cannot just give the answer to the story problem. You have to show your work. Learning the lesson only comes from working through the process, not from checking the back of the book for the answer. Let the Holy Spirit move you... lift you up... give you peace. That's how you'll know that something has happened.
Peace,
Mike
As a good friend of mine has said... "Guess what Snowflake, it doesn't work that way". God's messages can be subtle, discreet, sometimes hidden in the turmoil. The real lesson most often comes in the search, not in the discovery. God's messages to us are normally lessons that we have already learned - sometimes what we hoped for, sometimes not, but it was necessary for us to look for them... search for them... desperately seek them... and experience all the things that stand in front of them before we truly understand them. So don't expect a little popup counter to tell you that God has sent you a message. Instead, do the work. See what God needs you to see along the way. Talk to Him. Praise him for what He might do in your life. Thank him for not always giving you what you want... we all know how ugly THAT would be... Wade through the messes that you make to find what God has to teach you. It's like back in our school days: You cannot just give the answer to the story problem. You have to show your work. Learning the lesson only comes from working through the process, not from checking the back of the book for the answer. Let the Holy Spirit move you... lift you up... give you peace. That's how you'll know that something has happened.
Peace,
Mike
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Monumental
Strange.
That's the only way I could explain it. As I prepared to make what will likely be the last trip ever to my mother's lake home, someone asked me how I felt about the place being sold. Strange. The place was my father's idea (and dream), and since he's been gone, the family has made less and less of an effort every year to spend time up there. As things progress and it gets closer to the day when the keys are turned over to the new owners, there have been a few loose ends to take care of. I spent a little time this past weekend removing the last of our personal items from the shed, so the place is now "ready-to-use" for the new owners as soon as the deal is done. Over the past 5 summers, I've made several trips up by myself to putz around, put in the pier, mow the grass, etc. Those hour-long drives up and back have always been a really solid time to reflect on memories of dad that surround that place. The sadness that wells up when I consider the reality that in a week it will no longer be ours to visit, and the reality that those trips will be gone forever is just strange.
I had a friend with me to finish up the work, which was a welcome distraction. I think if I had been alone it would have been a lot worse. The task was completed swiftly and without incident. But throughout the remainder of the busy weekend, I kept finding myself drawn back to that sadness...drawn back to trying to figure out what is so frustratingly grey about the thought of the lake place being sold.
Here's what I discovered about myself in that reflection: I'll surely always have my memories of my dad, of that I'm certain. But I've also realized that there are still tangible things that connect those memories of him to me, to "now"... things that I've made into monuments in memory of him. There are physical, real things that remind me of him and while they always invoke some degree of sadness or grief, I'm always strangely grateful that they are there. Maybe it's because I can see them, feel them, experience them, and still keep on living daily life. Maybe they help reassure me that I've truly moved on, but without forgetting.
The lake place has easily been the biggest monument of them all that has required my attention and interaction. The location itself embodies so much of what my dad was. It's a monument that will now be just a memory itself, and I think the sadness comes from feeling like there's one less strand connecting the vapors that are the memories of my dad to the more substantial here-and-now. One less thing to keep him real. I know that there are other such places that I get to encounter that will eventually pass from my reality, but the lake place is by far one of the most fundamental.
I'm still not sure if what I feel is good or bad. To me, sadness is not always bad. It can be really cleansing when I work through it and discover what's driving my emotions. It's just hard after 5+ years to have this much sentiment welling up inside again and not know what to do with it. It feels like it needs to be directed somewhere... maybe to a different monument so the feelings are not lost forever, and another connecting strand can then remain intact for a while longer.
I continue to pray and give thanks for the family I've been given. We all feel something different right now, I'm sure. But it's a monumental time for us, and it's necessary. We're built to feel this way, I think, but I believe we are also built to realize that this is not where we are rooted. The monuments that we build here are temporary, just like we ourselves are temporary. Sometimes it seems so silly to feel so strongly about such fleeting things... but to know that kind of emotion makes it possible for me to love my God the way that I do. I don't know that I could feel about my heavenly Father the way I do if I hadn't been created to feel so strongly for my earthly one.
Peace,
Mike
That's the only way I could explain it. As I prepared to make what will likely be the last trip ever to my mother's lake home, someone asked me how I felt about the place being sold. Strange. The place was my father's idea (and dream), and since he's been gone, the family has made less and less of an effort every year to spend time up there. As things progress and it gets closer to the day when the keys are turned over to the new owners, there have been a few loose ends to take care of. I spent a little time this past weekend removing the last of our personal items from the shed, so the place is now "ready-to-use" for the new owners as soon as the deal is done. Over the past 5 summers, I've made several trips up by myself to putz around, put in the pier, mow the grass, etc. Those hour-long drives up and back have always been a really solid time to reflect on memories of dad that surround that place. The sadness that wells up when I consider the reality that in a week it will no longer be ours to visit, and the reality that those trips will be gone forever is just strange.
I had a friend with me to finish up the work, which was a welcome distraction. I think if I had been alone it would have been a lot worse. The task was completed swiftly and without incident. But throughout the remainder of the busy weekend, I kept finding myself drawn back to that sadness...drawn back to trying to figure out what is so frustratingly grey about the thought of the lake place being sold.
Here's what I discovered about myself in that reflection: I'll surely always have my memories of my dad, of that I'm certain. But I've also realized that there are still tangible things that connect those memories of him to me, to "now"... things that I've made into monuments in memory of him. There are physical, real things that remind me of him and while they always invoke some degree of sadness or grief, I'm always strangely grateful that they are there. Maybe it's because I can see them, feel them, experience them, and still keep on living daily life. Maybe they help reassure me that I've truly moved on, but without forgetting.
The lake place has easily been the biggest monument of them all that has required my attention and interaction. The location itself embodies so much of what my dad was. It's a monument that will now be just a memory itself, and I think the sadness comes from feeling like there's one less strand connecting the vapors that are the memories of my dad to the more substantial here-and-now. One less thing to keep him real. I know that there are other such places that I get to encounter that will eventually pass from my reality, but the lake place is by far one of the most fundamental.
I'm still not sure if what I feel is good or bad. To me, sadness is not always bad. It can be really cleansing when I work through it and discover what's driving my emotions. It's just hard after 5+ years to have this much sentiment welling up inside again and not know what to do with it. It feels like it needs to be directed somewhere... maybe to a different monument so the feelings are not lost forever, and another connecting strand can then remain intact for a while longer.
I continue to pray and give thanks for the family I've been given. We all feel something different right now, I'm sure. But it's a monumental time for us, and it's necessary. We're built to feel this way, I think, but I believe we are also built to realize that this is not where we are rooted. The monuments that we build here are temporary, just like we ourselves are temporary. Sometimes it seems so silly to feel so strongly about such fleeting things... but to know that kind of emotion makes it possible for me to love my God the way that I do. I don't know that I could feel about my heavenly Father the way I do if I hadn't been created to feel so strongly for my earthly one.
Peace,
Mike
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Eraser
What kind of life do you lead... a "pencil" life or a "pen" life?
In my arrogance, I typically do crossword puzzles with an ink pen. Not because I'm really smart, but because I like to dare myself to be mistake-free. Inevitably, I always end up scratching out a letter or a word that I was just sure was correct that ends up being completely wrong. What I'm left with then is a grid with a bunch of swirled pen strokes and dark blotches all over the page. Really smart people use a pencil... you know... just in case. But even with a pencil, it never seems to erase everything. There always seems to be the faintest hint of what was on the page prior to putting an eraser to it. And then there are the little rolled up crumbs that come off the eraser that end up in your lap when you brush them off the page. Even with a pencil and eraser, there are subtle reminders that a mistake was made.
So I ask you again... which kind of life do you live? Do you feel like all that you've done in your life is permanent? Or does if feel like you can put an eraser to a few things and clean it up a little bit? Maybe you want a "pencil" life, but can't escape the guilty feelings that make you feel like your history has been written with a Sharpie. Maybe you do understand that mistakes can be erased, but you still see or feel all the little crumbs and faint lines that are nagging reminders of things you've done wrong.
I'd like to think of my life as more of an "Etch-a-Sketch" kind of life. You see, God writes most of His teachings in Sharpie. There's not much about God's Word that is conditional. I think that's by design, because human nature dictates that when there's wiggle room on an issue, we really wiggle. We tend to try to bend it to suit our immediate circumstances or absolve us of a particular transgression. But when it comes to God's record of what we've done wrong, we get to introduce the DEaS (that stands for Divine Etch-a-Sketch, in case you haven't been following along). You see, God doesn't scratch out our sins and failures with a pen, leaving all that ugly, blotchy mess as evidence of a transgression. And He doesn't simply put eraser to our lives and leave the ghost of an imprint and a crumby mess in our laps to deal with later. He puts both hands on us, shakes us up a little sometimes, flips us over sometimes, and offers us a clean slate. Mistakes are not just erased, but forgotten altogether. If we choose to hold on to our mistakes, it's not because He wants us to. He wants us to learn from them, lean on Him, and move on, making a better choice next time. He wants it to become our nature through practice to live the life He has planned for us... He doesn't want to hold up the paper and say "See? See all these mistakes you made?".
This type of life is not one that requires starting as a child. There are adult versions too. It's not a life that's reserved for people who were raised in a godly home by perfect parents. It's one of those things that is NOT conditional. It's for everyone, any time. It's never to late to drop the pen... never too late to start living a life that glorifies God and all He's done to erase our sins through Jesus Christ... never too late to see how full a clean slate can feel.
Peace,
Mike
In my arrogance, I typically do crossword puzzles with an ink pen. Not because I'm really smart, but because I like to dare myself to be mistake-free. Inevitably, I always end up scratching out a letter or a word that I was just sure was correct that ends up being completely wrong. What I'm left with then is a grid with a bunch of swirled pen strokes and dark blotches all over the page. Really smart people use a pencil... you know... just in case. But even with a pencil, it never seems to erase everything. There always seems to be the faintest hint of what was on the page prior to putting an eraser to it. And then there are the little rolled up crumbs that come off the eraser that end up in your lap when you brush them off the page. Even with a pencil and eraser, there are subtle reminders that a mistake was made.
So I ask you again... which kind of life do you live? Do you feel like all that you've done in your life is permanent? Or does if feel like you can put an eraser to a few things and clean it up a little bit? Maybe you want a "pencil" life, but can't escape the guilty feelings that make you feel like your history has been written with a Sharpie. Maybe you do understand that mistakes can be erased, but you still see or feel all the little crumbs and faint lines that are nagging reminders of things you've done wrong.
I'd like to think of my life as more of an "Etch-a-Sketch" kind of life. You see, God writes most of His teachings in Sharpie. There's not much about God's Word that is conditional. I think that's by design, because human nature dictates that when there's wiggle room on an issue, we really wiggle. We tend to try to bend it to suit our immediate circumstances or absolve us of a particular transgression. But when it comes to God's record of what we've done wrong, we get to introduce the DEaS (that stands for Divine Etch-a-Sketch, in case you haven't been following along). You see, God doesn't scratch out our sins and failures with a pen, leaving all that ugly, blotchy mess as evidence of a transgression. And He doesn't simply put eraser to our lives and leave the ghost of an imprint and a crumby mess in our laps to deal with later. He puts both hands on us, shakes us up a little sometimes, flips us over sometimes, and offers us a clean slate. Mistakes are not just erased, but forgotten altogether. If we choose to hold on to our mistakes, it's not because He wants us to. He wants us to learn from them, lean on Him, and move on, making a better choice next time. He wants it to become our nature through practice to live the life He has planned for us... He doesn't want to hold up the paper and say "See? See all these mistakes you made?".
This type of life is not one that requires starting as a child. There are adult versions too. It's not a life that's reserved for people who were raised in a godly home by perfect parents. It's one of those things that is NOT conditional. It's for everyone, any time. It's never to late to drop the pen... never too late to start living a life that glorifies God and all He's done to erase our sins through Jesus Christ... never too late to see how full a clean slate can feel.
Peace,
Mike
Monday, September 19, 2011
Twice Removed
I was recently asked if I'd be willing to talk with a group of 5th and 6th grade Sunday School students about Creation. There was no real script, no debate to be won or lost, just some open conversation about Creation and evolution to see what the kids had on their minds. Honestly, I was sort of curious about whether or not it WAS on their minds and whether or not it was something they could or would talk about.
I thought our discussion went very well. Sometimes having a serious conversation with children that age is like nailing Jell-O to a tree, but this group was fairly attentive and gave some honest, open answers about their ideas on Creation and evolution. I think we all gained something valuable from the conversation.
But what struck me was something I discovered about myself while reading some articles on how to speak to someone that subscribes to evolution as the origin of life in preparation for our group discussion. I read that many times, the person that does not believe in Creation also does not believe in God. That person many times bases their beliefs in "facts" and scientific data, or chooses to believe something that is based on nothing more than a feeling or lack thereof. That's where the trap is set for people like me. I've always been eager to accept the challenge of convincing someone I'm right about an idea while debating the topic on their terms. I've always thought it was more convincing to "win" on someone else's home court.
But look what that does....
Everything I believe starts with a belief in God. It's my faith in God that makes me whole and gives credibility to my beliefs. It's my belief that the Bible is the inspired Word of God, conveyed by the hands of men, that lends Truth to my story. If you are a believer in God, have you ever heard this?
"Okay... explain why Creation is the true story of how life began without using the Bible."
That sounds like a dare to me. And I'm a real sucker for a dare like that. So I've always started trying to debate my position while tiptoeing around what the Bible says. I've tried to think of really cool, discreet, subconscious ways to make my "opponent" come to the same conclusion I have.
Guess what.... That will never work.
I believe in God. The Bible is God's word. Creation is in the Bible. Creation is the origin of life.
Telling me to "prove" that without using God or the Bible would be like me telling that other person to prove evolution without science or theory. Debating Creation without using the Bible is removing God not once, but twice. Yep, twice. That's what hit me between the eyes when I was reading.
Under those terms, God is first removed from my life, if just for the length of the conversation with the non-believer. To argue my point without referring to God as the Creator is removing Him from my life. If I'm not for Him, than I'm against Him. Not proclaiming that all things were created by God is no better than denying that same truth.
Bad news for me.
God is removed a second time because in that moment I've temporarily removed any possibility of introducing God to someone who truly needs to know Him. I've forsaken my commission to introduce God to someone just for the sake of winning on the road. I've removed God from that person's life, too, at least on a tangible level.
Bad news for them.
God, twice removed... Gone from two people's lives for a few moments because of my stupid pride and arrogance that leads me to believe that I have the ability to make someone believe without telling the Truth.
Luckily, I cannot actually remove God from anyone's life including my own. Luckily, God can always win... even when the odds are against it. It's time for me to understand that God's Word is not a crutch that demands some sort of excuse, or that needs to be removed from debate to allow for a "fair" playing field. I think I'll choose to use it whenever I can to help people understand the Truth. I think I'll continue to study it so that the Truth becomes clearer to me. I think I'll choose to rely on God and his Word to fill me and make me whole. I think I'll choose to try harder to avoid getting sucked into situations that tempt me to remove God from my life, and someone else's.
Peace,
Mike
I thought our discussion went very well. Sometimes having a serious conversation with children that age is like nailing Jell-O to a tree, but this group was fairly attentive and gave some honest, open answers about their ideas on Creation and evolution. I think we all gained something valuable from the conversation.
But what struck me was something I discovered about myself while reading some articles on how to speak to someone that subscribes to evolution as the origin of life in preparation for our group discussion. I read that many times, the person that does not believe in Creation also does not believe in God. That person many times bases their beliefs in "facts" and scientific data, or chooses to believe something that is based on nothing more than a feeling or lack thereof. That's where the trap is set for people like me. I've always been eager to accept the challenge of convincing someone I'm right about an idea while debating the topic on their terms. I've always thought it was more convincing to "win" on someone else's home court.
But look what that does....
Everything I believe starts with a belief in God. It's my faith in God that makes me whole and gives credibility to my beliefs. It's my belief that the Bible is the inspired Word of God, conveyed by the hands of men, that lends Truth to my story. If you are a believer in God, have you ever heard this?
"Okay... explain why Creation is the true story of how life began without using the Bible."
That sounds like a dare to me. And I'm a real sucker for a dare like that. So I've always started trying to debate my position while tiptoeing around what the Bible says. I've tried to think of really cool, discreet, subconscious ways to make my "opponent" come to the same conclusion I have.
Guess what.... That will never work.
I believe in God. The Bible is God's word. Creation is in the Bible. Creation is the origin of life.
Telling me to "prove" that without using God or the Bible would be like me telling that other person to prove evolution without science or theory. Debating Creation without using the Bible is removing God not once, but twice. Yep, twice. That's what hit me between the eyes when I was reading.
Under those terms, God is first removed from my life, if just for the length of the conversation with the non-believer. To argue my point without referring to God as the Creator is removing Him from my life. If I'm not for Him, than I'm against Him. Not proclaiming that all things were created by God is no better than denying that same truth.
Bad news for me.
God is removed a second time because in that moment I've temporarily removed any possibility of introducing God to someone who truly needs to know Him. I've forsaken my commission to introduce God to someone just for the sake of winning on the road. I've removed God from that person's life, too, at least on a tangible level.
Bad news for them.
God, twice removed... Gone from two people's lives for a few moments because of my stupid pride and arrogance that leads me to believe that I have the ability to make someone believe without telling the Truth.
Luckily, I cannot actually remove God from anyone's life including my own. Luckily, God can always win... even when the odds are against it. It's time for me to understand that God's Word is not a crutch that demands some sort of excuse, or that needs to be removed from debate to allow for a "fair" playing field. I think I'll choose to use it whenever I can to help people understand the Truth. I think I'll continue to study it so that the Truth becomes clearer to me. I think I'll choose to rely on God and his Word to fill me and make me whole. I think I'll choose to try harder to avoid getting sucked into situations that tempt me to remove God from my life, and someone else's.
Peace,
Mike
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Limousine
Who in their right mind doesn't like to ride in a limo? Doesn't it make you feel very special to ride in a vehicle like that? And when you see one driving around town, there are always those unspoken questions....Who is in there? What's so special about them?
I recently had a conversation with a friend regarding some things that are going on in my life. In fact, it was a conversation that I used to explain pretty much everything that was going on in my life. My friend asked me after an Administrative Board meeting at our church "So, how are you? You seemed like you were a million miles away in there. Are you alright?" That's a big question. It's an even bigger question when you don't realize that you appear to be so removed. Here's how I tried to explain to my friend what was actually going on:
My life is no more extraordinary than the next person's life. But my level of involvement with Jesus Christ is more in question now than ever before in my life. As I've written before, I'm just not sure in what direction I'm being pointed right now. I do know, however, that I'm overwhelmed by the feeling that my spiritual life is at some sort of tipping point. Whether or not that involves my vocation, I don't know. But I feel now like my spiritual life is on the front burner, but not without it's problems.
In my mind, I can see my spiritual life as a limousine.
It's the ride I want to be in. It's comfortable....roomy....safe....and just a little mysterious. It's the big shiny black thing that makes other people look and say Wow, who is that? What's going on with him that warrants a limo?"
But there's more to it. We've all seen limousines leaving weddings, right? We've seen them with the strings tied on to the back bumper, then attached to cans, right? So when the limo is going down the road, the cans bounce and clang and make all kinds of racket. I guess the intention is to announce that the couple inside has just been married and they want everyone to know it. But sometimes my spiritual limo feels like it has those cans tied to the back, too.
One string and can is my work. All I want is to be in this nice smooth, quiet ride up front, but there's this annoying job that is dragging behind making all kinds of noise and is almost an embarrassment at times. It's just one of those things that makes something beautiful (my spiritual life) look so gaudy and all too often pulls my attention away from the view up front.
Another string and can is my family. I'm not saying family is bad. I love my family. But it's not perfect. It takes work...and time. It's not gaudy by any means, and certainly not an embarrassment, but it is still something that is attached to my spiritual life that necessarily diverts my attention from what I feel can only be my ultimate purpose.
Yet another string and can is my own recreation. I still feel these waves of selfishness that make me want to separate and just do what I want to do, regardless of what is right or what is needed. I guess I could also just call it self. Not all the things I choose for recreation are bad. I like to exercise, spend time with friends, watch a movie, and so on. So what's wrong with that? Nothing, in moderation. But I have this tendency to over-indulge in myself. I can convince myself that I deserve it, and that normally clashes with what my spiritual life is calling me to do.
So in this limo I picture myself in the back seat enjoying the ride. But there are these cans...these annoying, distracting cans clanging around behind my ride. I picture myself looking out the back window in disgust, just wishing all these cans wouldn't make so much noise, or be such an obvious detraction from my limo.
I can then see myself standing behind the limo with a scissors....reaching to cut the strings....I can almost feel the relief of having nothing tied to the back of my limo. But then God steps in, and I see something else.
God tells me that severing all these things is not the answer. He wants me in the limo. He wants my spiritual life to be first and foremost. He wants me to give my life and myself to Him, but He wants me to know that my life in the natural is not entirely without purpose.
I see God opening the trunk of the limo, and carefully placing the cans and strings inside, still attached, but no longer dragging behind....no longer a distraction. Those are things that I can bring with me on my ride. They can't ride in front, but they need not be severed. Those things are part of who I am. Those things are all part of what God wants for me. They may be things that I need to learn to handle better. They may be things that need some fixing down the road. They may be things that God has put in my life for my benefit that I don't realize yet. Regardless, they are back there. But they're connected in a way that makes much more sense to me. I feel like I can stop looking back at them, trying to figure out how to deal with them.
And I must say....the view seems much nicer now out the front window of my limo.
Peace,
Mike
I recently had a conversation with a friend regarding some things that are going on in my life. In fact, it was a conversation that I used to explain pretty much everything that was going on in my life. My friend asked me after an Administrative Board meeting at our church "So, how are you? You seemed like you were a million miles away in there. Are you alright?" That's a big question. It's an even bigger question when you don't realize that you appear to be so removed. Here's how I tried to explain to my friend what was actually going on:
My life is no more extraordinary than the next person's life. But my level of involvement with Jesus Christ is more in question now than ever before in my life. As I've written before, I'm just not sure in what direction I'm being pointed right now. I do know, however, that I'm overwhelmed by the feeling that my spiritual life is at some sort of tipping point. Whether or not that involves my vocation, I don't know. But I feel now like my spiritual life is on the front burner, but not without it's problems.
In my mind, I can see my spiritual life as a limousine.
It's the ride I want to be in. It's comfortable....roomy....safe....and just a little mysterious. It's the big shiny black thing that makes other people look and say Wow, who is that? What's going on with him that warrants a limo?"
But there's more to it. We've all seen limousines leaving weddings, right? We've seen them with the strings tied on to the back bumper, then attached to cans, right? So when the limo is going down the road, the cans bounce and clang and make all kinds of racket. I guess the intention is to announce that the couple inside has just been married and they want everyone to know it. But sometimes my spiritual limo feels like it has those cans tied to the back, too.
One string and can is my work. All I want is to be in this nice smooth, quiet ride up front, but there's this annoying job that is dragging behind making all kinds of noise and is almost an embarrassment at times. It's just one of those things that makes something beautiful (my spiritual life) look so gaudy and all too often pulls my attention away from the view up front.
Another string and can is my family. I'm not saying family is bad. I love my family. But it's not perfect. It takes work...and time. It's not gaudy by any means, and certainly not an embarrassment, but it is still something that is attached to my spiritual life that necessarily diverts my attention from what I feel can only be my ultimate purpose.
Yet another string and can is my own recreation. I still feel these waves of selfishness that make me want to separate and just do what I want to do, regardless of what is right or what is needed. I guess I could also just call it self. Not all the things I choose for recreation are bad. I like to exercise, spend time with friends, watch a movie, and so on. So what's wrong with that? Nothing, in moderation. But I have this tendency to over-indulge in myself. I can convince myself that I deserve it, and that normally clashes with what my spiritual life is calling me to do.
So in this limo I picture myself in the back seat enjoying the ride. But there are these cans...these annoying, distracting cans clanging around behind my ride. I picture myself looking out the back window in disgust, just wishing all these cans wouldn't make so much noise, or be such an obvious detraction from my limo.
I can then see myself standing behind the limo with a scissors....reaching to cut the strings....I can almost feel the relief of having nothing tied to the back of my limo. But then God steps in, and I see something else.
God tells me that severing all these things is not the answer. He wants me in the limo. He wants my spiritual life to be first and foremost. He wants me to give my life and myself to Him, but He wants me to know that my life in the natural is not entirely without purpose.
I see God opening the trunk of the limo, and carefully placing the cans and strings inside, still attached, but no longer dragging behind....no longer a distraction. Those are things that I can bring with me on my ride. They can't ride in front, but they need not be severed. Those things are part of who I am. Those things are all part of what God wants for me. They may be things that I need to learn to handle better. They may be things that need some fixing down the road. They may be things that God has put in my life for my benefit that I don't realize yet. Regardless, they are back there. But they're connected in a way that makes much more sense to me. I feel like I can stop looking back at them, trying to figure out how to deal with them.
And I must say....the view seems much nicer now out the front window of my limo.
Peace,
Mike
Friday, October 23, 2009
Sophie, The Beeping Dog
Our neighbors have a new dog. Her name is Sophie, and she is very cute. She is a Bichon Frise, and for those of you who don't know what they look like (I had no idea, before I met Sophie), I've included a photo. Recently I was getting ready to mow our grass, and my wife said "Now you know Janet & Will got a new dog, right? Her name is Sophie. So if you see her, be nice. Oh, and don't call her over to the fence if she's out". I was going to ask why I couldn't call her over to the fence, because I'm a dog lover and it seemed cruel to just stand and look from afar at a dog that cute. But she continued with her explanation: "They have one of those buried fence things." In my mind, I was already forming the image of me calling the dog over to the chain-link fence to pet her and watching in horror as 240 volts of electricity coursed through her body and turned her rigid before my eyes. What a terrible thought. But my wife continued: "They don't use the shocker thing, but when she starts to get close to the buried wire, her beeper starts going off. Then she knows she's too close to the edge." How very cool is that? I thought to myself. As it turned out, Sophie was inside for the afternoon while I mowed, so my yard work was completed without incident. But I kept rolling that idea around in my head for several more days.
Since that day I've been mildly obsessed with the idea of having something attached to our person that would warn us when we're about to get in trouble. Something to let me know I'm close to danger. Something to remind me when there's a hidden boundary in front of me that I really shouldn't cross. I keep thinking that if there was something that would ring or "beep" when I was about to click on a very bad link on the Internet, or an alarm that would go off right before I use foul language at work, I could avoid a lot of the sin in my life. Sophie is so lucky, I think to myself, I want a beeper, too.
Jump to one week later. I'm at work, in the middle of solving a mini crisis, and I go to one of the other managers to ask if they'll come and help me. After all, I'm always willing to help them, and I've got a bigger problem than they do right now, so why wouldn't they help? But I asked, and then got the response "Nah, I really have a lot of stuff I need to get done today." And they turned back away and continued to do....nothing. I was walking away, fuming, seething, forming all the right things to say to verbally abuse this guy, and as I turned back around to let him have it, a very strange thing happened....
My "beeper" went off.
I stood there, very aware of what was happening to me physically, and felt as if my entire being was screaming at me STOP! No good can possibly come of this. I realized that the little hairs on the back of my neck were standing up as I listened to that little voice inside. But I was also breathing faster, my fists were clenched, I was biting my own teeth so hard my temples hurt, and I have to believe my face was red. But my beeper was still going off. Relax. Walk away. This isn't a fight you need to fight. This is not a new thing, so why is it affecting you this way now? And that was it. Hands relaxed, breathing slowed, face back to normal color, I turned and walked away. It wasn't until several hours later that I made the connection between Sophie's beeper and the little hairs on the back of my neck.
I've had that feeling before, but not always in times of extreme anger or anxiety. I normally feel that when I'm talking to someone about my relationship with Jesus. Or I feel it when I give a short message at church about something I'm passionate about. And sometimes I feel it when I do something very good for someone without anyone knowing about it. Sometimes I feel it while I'm typing a post for this blog. I've always professed that I feel that when the Holy Spirit is close....when I'm in tune with God...when I'm doing something very right. I've always believed that feeling was directly connected to my conscience, thereby making my conscience the medium through which the Holy Spirit guides me and lets me know when I'm on the right track. But this was the first time I felt it when I was facing something that was dark, bad, and just ugly. I've never thought to ask God for that type of Early Warning System. I've always just asked Him to forgive me for leaning into sin, shoulder first, thinking I'm strong enough to resist.
Lead us not into temptation....
I should have known that He could help us avoid bad things sometimes. I should have known that I'm not doomed to failure every time I'm faced with that possibility.
And deliver us from evil....
Deliver us. Deliver me. Not just "fix me after I break myself", but deliver me, unharmed, back to the folds of the saved.
We have a beeper. God gave us an Early Warning System. It's probably something a little different in all of us. Maybe your beeper batteries are dead. Maybe you don't hear the "beep" and you need to tune in to God a little closer like I needed to do. But we've all got a beeper. God hasn't set us up to fail. Granted, we realize how badly we need Him when we do, but He takes no pleasure in our failures, injuries, or shortcomings.
Oh, and just so you know, I'm not jealous of Sophie any more either. I've got a beeper, too. I just wish I was as cute as she is.
Peace,
Mike
Sunday, October 4, 2009
New - Part Two
This is Part II of a post from 10-2-2009. Click here to read Part I.
I was standing in the kitchen a day or two after I had prayed for God to take control of my health and lead me to whoever or whatever would help me restore my health. My wife said to me, somewhat out of the blue, "have you ever considered checking out that weight loss program at the hospital?" "Yes, but it's very expensive. I don't know if we can afford it" I answered. Her reply was something like "might not hurt to just check it out". Those were probably the strongest words she could have spoken to me that day. I needed to know that someone else was concerned, too, so that it wasn't just me doing it for me. So I decided that would be the starting point. I went to the free introductory meeting, got the information and the prices, and went home and started thinking about how that could work.
I did the math and found that by eliminating all of the destructive eating that I was doing, I freed up exactly enough money weekly to cover the cost of the program.
What a coincidence.
There were some preliminary tests to be done so that the administrators had a solid reference point, but I had just had most of those same tests done by my family physician, so all of those results were available with minimal effort or additional cost.
Again, what a coincidence.
The first night that I went, I saw a friend from church that was just starting, too. She and I both said that it was so nice to see a familiar face and it would be great to have someone we each knew to help with accountability.
Just another coincidence, I suppose.
And it started. Just like that. I started the program June 15th, 2009. I lost 13 pounds the first week. And it just kept coming off. I would weigh myself at night before bed, then again when I got up in the morning. I would smile, sometimes almost laugh as I thanked God and looked at the numbers on the scale. I lost weight every day...every week. A couple weeks into it, I started feeling a wave of energy that lasted longer than I had ever experienced. I didn't want to sleep. I couldn't wear myself out at work. I couldn't seem to find enough things to do to exhaust myself. Within a week of first feeling that, one of the administrators of the program handed out a twelve week training program for running. "No way. The only way you'll catch me running is if the pizza guy forgets to leave my breadsticks" was my canned response to running. The program is a walk-to-run training regimen that takes someone who doesn't run from walking to running 5k (3.1 miles) in twelve weeks. Having never been an athlete, I was skeptical. I just assumed that all those programs were for people who were already athletic. I showed it to my wife, and she said that if I was going to do it, she wanted to do it with me.
What a coincidence.
The first time the training called for a thirty second run, I thought I would die. I smoked for twenty years. I was still overweight, but that was changing fast. But we stayed with it. We did it 6 nights a week, just like the plan called for. Our kids went with us on nights where there wasn't much running. And I ran. We ran. We started to schedule things around our training, leaving enough time to fit it in every day. And the schedule held. Our lives didn't fall apart or become impossible to coordinate, even though we had just added in a new daily task. We both felt good, and it worked.
What a coincidence.
On a cold, rainy Sunday in July, my wife said she really didn't want to go out and run in the rain. We have a good treadmill that had seen very little use beyond the first two weeks in January every year, so she was going to do her time on the treadmill. Obviously, we can't run together on the treadmill, so I told her I was going to run outside. I walked out, stood in the driveway, and thought to myself:
You've never run a mile in your life. You've never even run just to see how far you can run. This running thing isn't as bad as you thought. You should just run today. Just run.
So I did. I ran. And it felt good, really good. At a mile and a half, I smiled. I looked up and said "look at me, God, I'm running. You've got me running!" Guess how far I ran that night? Yep, 3.1 miles. Five weeks into a twelve week program, I ran 3.1 miles. And the weight just kept coming off.
What a coincidence.
Since then I've run in four 5k events, winning third in my age group at one of those. My wife and I have run two of those together, and we have one more scheduled for October 10. I started a 10k training program three weeks ago, and I'm running about twenty miles a week now. I ride a bicycle and I kayak. I'm not trying to drag out a list of all my accomplishments. These are not MY accomplishments. If you go back and read my early posts, you'll notice that there's no mention of any of this before now. This is new. This is God's prescription for my health. And I can't help but feel that it came just in time.
What a coincidence.
At the beginning of the weight loss program, I had to set a goal weight. I didn't want to get wrapped up in the numbers, but I understood that there has to be a goal. I set my goal weight at 200 lbs. At that time, I was almost 270. The NP told me that 200 would be a healthy weight for me, so that's what went in the book. On September 23, 2009, fifteen weeks into the program, I weighed in at 198 lbs. That was a little over two weeks ago. I've continued to lose weight in those two weeks, and I continue to run with my wife. Here's some more of my numbers/stats/info:
Blood pressure going in: 145/85
Blood pressure now: 106/62
Resting heart rate going in: 90
Resting heart rate now: 50
Cholesterol down 70 points
Blood sugar dead-center in "normal" range
Over 27 total inches of body dimension eliminated (neck, chest, waist, and thighs)
Waist size going in: 40-42
Waist size now: 34
Shirt/jacket size going in: XXL/50 regular
Shirt/jacket size now: MEDIUM/ 42-43 regular
No more antidepressant medication
No more triglyceride medication
Cholesterol medication under review, possibly removing it, too
I've had surgery on both of my hands this summer, relieving some long-standing pain and symptoms form Carpal Tunnel Syndrome. I've had a torn rotator cuff that's scheduled for surgery on October 15, 2009. I also have a 10k race schedule for 9 days after that. Should be interesting.
So, what is my point in sharing all of this? Well, like I said, it's been a year of renewal and repair for me. And it's all been at God's direction. All of this just feels as though, like I've written before, God is staging me for something bigger. There may not be a clear path ahead of me yet, but He's trying to give me a sense of direction. Maybe a starting point. I don't know. But it feels like a new direction. It's kind of funny.....the name of the program I'm in at the hospital is called New Direction.
What a coincidence.
Peace,
Mike
I was standing in the kitchen a day or two after I had prayed for God to take control of my health and lead me to whoever or whatever would help me restore my health. My wife said to me, somewhat out of the blue, "have you ever considered checking out that weight loss program at the hospital?" "Yes, but it's very expensive. I don't know if we can afford it" I answered. Her reply was something like "might not hurt to just check it out". Those were probably the strongest words she could have spoken to me that day. I needed to know that someone else was concerned, too, so that it wasn't just me doing it for me. So I decided that would be the starting point. I went to the free introductory meeting, got the information and the prices, and went home and started thinking about how that could work.
I did the math and found that by eliminating all of the destructive eating that I was doing, I freed up exactly enough money weekly to cover the cost of the program.
What a coincidence.
There were some preliminary tests to be done so that the administrators had a solid reference point, but I had just had most of those same tests done by my family physician, so all of those results were available with minimal effort or additional cost.
Again, what a coincidence.
The first night that I went, I saw a friend from church that was just starting, too. She and I both said that it was so nice to see a familiar face and it would be great to have someone we each knew to help with accountability.
Just another coincidence, I suppose.
And it started. Just like that. I started the program June 15th, 2009. I lost 13 pounds the first week. And it just kept coming off. I would weigh myself at night before bed, then again when I got up in the morning. I would smile, sometimes almost laugh as I thanked God and looked at the numbers on the scale. I lost weight every day...every week. A couple weeks into it, I started feeling a wave of energy that lasted longer than I had ever experienced. I didn't want to sleep. I couldn't wear myself out at work. I couldn't seem to find enough things to do to exhaust myself. Within a week of first feeling that, one of the administrators of the program handed out a twelve week training program for running. "No way. The only way you'll catch me running is if the pizza guy forgets to leave my breadsticks" was my canned response to running. The program is a walk-to-run training regimen that takes someone who doesn't run from walking to running 5k (3.1 miles) in twelve weeks. Having never been an athlete, I was skeptical. I just assumed that all those programs were for people who were already athletic. I showed it to my wife, and she said that if I was going to do it, she wanted to do it with me.
What a coincidence.
The first time the training called for a thirty second run, I thought I would die. I smoked for twenty years. I was still overweight, but that was changing fast. But we stayed with it. We did it 6 nights a week, just like the plan called for. Our kids went with us on nights where there wasn't much running. And I ran. We ran. We started to schedule things around our training, leaving enough time to fit it in every day. And the schedule held. Our lives didn't fall apart or become impossible to coordinate, even though we had just added in a new daily task. We both felt good, and it worked.
What a coincidence.
On a cold, rainy Sunday in July, my wife said she really didn't want to go out and run in the rain. We have a good treadmill that had seen very little use beyond the first two weeks in January every year, so she was going to do her time on the treadmill. Obviously, we can't run together on the treadmill, so I told her I was going to run outside. I walked out, stood in the driveway, and thought to myself:
You've never run a mile in your life. You've never even run just to see how far you can run. This running thing isn't as bad as you thought. You should just run today. Just run.
So I did. I ran. And it felt good, really good. At a mile and a half, I smiled. I looked up and said "look at me, God, I'm running. You've got me running!" Guess how far I ran that night? Yep, 3.1 miles. Five weeks into a twelve week program, I ran 3.1 miles. And the weight just kept coming off.
What a coincidence.
Since then I've run in four 5k events, winning third in my age group at one of those. My wife and I have run two of those together, and we have one more scheduled for October 10. I started a 10k training program three weeks ago, and I'm running about twenty miles a week now. I ride a bicycle and I kayak. I'm not trying to drag out a list of all my accomplishments. These are not MY accomplishments. If you go back and read my early posts, you'll notice that there's no mention of any of this before now. This is new. This is God's prescription for my health. And I can't help but feel that it came just in time.
What a coincidence.
At the beginning of the weight loss program, I had to set a goal weight. I didn't want to get wrapped up in the numbers, but I understood that there has to be a goal. I set my goal weight at 200 lbs. At that time, I was almost 270. The NP told me that 200 would be a healthy weight for me, so that's what went in the book. On September 23, 2009, fifteen weeks into the program, I weighed in at 198 lbs. That was a little over two weeks ago. I've continued to lose weight in those two weeks, and I continue to run with my wife. Here's some more of my numbers/stats/info:
Blood pressure going in: 145/85
Blood pressure now: 106/62
Resting heart rate going in: 90
Resting heart rate now: 50
Cholesterol down 70 points
Blood sugar dead-center in "normal" range
Over 27 total inches of body dimension eliminated (neck, chest, waist, and thighs)
Waist size going in: 40-42
Waist size now: 34
Shirt/jacket size going in: XXL/50 regular
Shirt/jacket size now: MEDIUM/ 42-43 regular
No more antidepressant medication
No more triglyceride medication
Cholesterol medication under review, possibly removing it, too
I've had surgery on both of my hands this summer, relieving some long-standing pain and symptoms form Carpal Tunnel Syndrome. I've had a torn rotator cuff that's scheduled for surgery on October 15, 2009. I also have a 10k race schedule for 9 days after that. Should be interesting.
So, what is my point in sharing all of this? Well, like I said, it's been a year of renewal and repair for me. And it's all been at God's direction. All of this just feels as though, like I've written before, God is staging me for something bigger. There may not be a clear path ahead of me yet, but He's trying to give me a sense of direction. Maybe a starting point. I don't know. But it feels like a new direction. It's kind of funny.....the name of the program I'm in at the hospital is called New Direction.
What a coincidence.
Peace,
Mike
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